Navigating Conflict: Strategies for Managing Difficult Relationships

Now, I think we have to remind ourselves that, yeah, difficult people, remember going back to the sources in relationships, difficult people, usually not the most pleasant ones to have to handle, but we can deal with them. And as effective leaders, as emerging leaders, we're going to play a role in setting the example for how to deal with difficult people, as well as becoming very skilled in dealing with those difficult people that we are interacting with. And so on the one hand, we want to reflect on times we've been successful with that.

We know that, let's say a good relationship has taken a turn for the worst, and it's because of some kind of incident. What we know from the research is that if we could reflect on the positive experiences that we've had with that coworker, it can strengthen the broken bond. And again, if we need an impartial mediator to bridge the divide, that's not necessarily a bad approach.

But I do want to remind myself of what has been good in the relationship, and I challenged myself with the question, don't I want that good back? We had a decent relationship. Maybe it wasn't the most perfect, and maybe it wasn't even the best out of all the other ones that I have. But there was a certain level of positivity in it, and I want to get back to that.

And so dedicating myself to that helps me seek the discussion, seek the opportunity to get it fixed. I think oftentimes when we are feeling negative about another person, and we're impatient or possibly angry, we actually can be the demotivator in the setting, because if we're showing a negative behavior, the other person is probably going to show that negative behavior right back to us. And so we want to really call upon our emotional intelligence, do we not, to break the cycle.

That we want to be able to use our empathy. We want to be able to be detached from reacting emotionally and really try to steer the conversation to how we can work better together, because it's easier for both of us if we figure out how to do that. There are times when we get to find mutually beneficial goals.

It might be that the difficult relationship centers around a power imbalance, and we're going to talk about that in a minute. And let's say I'm having difficulty working with my supervisor, and I'm struggling. And if I could have a conversation with my supervisor, it would start with the agreement on what we both care about most.

And I oftentimes try to start those conversations with you, because I know you and I both care passionately about the success of this project. Yeah, we're going at it in different ways, and we seem to be at odds with each other on this, but deep down inside, I know we both care as much, equally as much. And I might say things like, because I consider it my responsibility to make work easier here and to produce quality work, it's hard for me to be in this challenge with you.

And so my goal is for us to work better, because I want you to look good. I want to look good. I want us to produce quality results for the organization.

And I think we agree on that, don't we? So these are mutually beneficial goals. And if I can start with that, it may decrease the amount of power distance between me and the other person. But it takes some humbling, does it not, to be able to do that.

But it's centered around what we both care about that matters to the organization. The line there says that difficult people whom we encounter can be our greatest teachers. Yeah, they can.

You're going to learn a lot by dealing with difficult people. And there's a quote from Abraham Lincoln that every time I'm dealing with somebody who's difficult, I kind of lean on this quote. Now, it's going to sound dated because of the time frame, but I don't think it diminishes what Lincoln said.

I don't like that person. I guess I need to get to know him better. Oh, lean in as opposed to pull back.

Okay, so what are some ways that we can do this? What you're going to see here is called Eldred's Power Strategies. And John Eldred is a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, oh, my territory, I live outside of Philadelphia. And this is a model that he developed to explain how you can exert personal power in mutually beneficial ways.

And so his strategy is built around the combination of power balance and goal balance. Let me explain this. So the vertical axis, even though the power balance looks horizontal in the way it's here, think of it as going vertically up and down the left side of the diagram.

And so that vertical axis actually represents the power balance between two individuals. And so if the power balance is high, it means they are equally powerful. If the power balance is low, that means one person is weak and the other person is strong.

Okay, now I know this is complicated, just kind of hang on for a minute. Now, look at the horizontal axis, which is about the goal balance. And this represents the degree to which people's goals conflict.

So if there's low confluence, that means there's a lot of conflict between the goals, that's over on the left-hand side. As you move over to the right-hand side, where it says high, it's a high confluence where the goals complement each other. So now what we see is a combination of the power balance and the goal balance.

So let's go to domination, which is in the lower left-hand corner. What that says here is that there's a low power balance, meaning one is weak and one is strong. And there's a low goal balance, which means there's a lot of conflict between the goals.

And so what you're going to see there is domination. The more powerful one is going to dominate the goal. And so there's a power imbalance, and the goals are mismatched.

We don't love that strategy, do we? Because one wins and one loses. However, we will see it in organizations as a distinct possibility because it does come down to who makes the decision, and why and how. Now, let's move over to influence.

Now, we still have a power imbalance, meaning there's a lot of distance between who has more authority, but the goals are aligned, meaning we're pretty close on what we're both looking for. Well, in that case, either party could influence the other party. Now, certainly, the party that has more power is probably more influential.

But even if I have lower authority, lower power, I still have a bit of a voice because we're agreeing on what we're trying to accomplish. So that has potential as a strategy. Let's go to the upper left-hand corner, where it's high power balance and low goal.

OK, so high power means we're probably both about at the same position of authority and influence. But we don't agree on the direction we should be taking here. So we have different ideas about how we should solve the problem outside.

Or whether we use this methodology or that methodology, this puts us in a position of being able to negotiate. Maybe you can get with a little bit of what you want that's important to you, and I give up what's less important to me, and vice versa. You give up something I really need and want that's of low value to you, but high value to me.

So we might be able to do some kind of trade here that satisfies. Or it may come down to, OK, I'll let you have this one, but on the next round, I'm expecting it to go my way. So we can negotiate, we can bargain to come up with some kind of resolution to the problem.

Now, collaboration, which you know and have heard, oh, this is the best way to solve problems and to resolve conflicts. Well, it's much easier when it's a high power balance, meaning we're all about the same level. And we all have the same goals.

And so now it's about details. And we don't have the same difficulties built in as we do when there's an imbalance in power and goal. Now, ideally, we would like to move all of our conflicts.

Into a collaborative effort, if possible, but again, I'm not sure that we can always do that. But it is what we know to be the results are more likely to be accepted, more likely to be supported, more likely to be implemented. But in order to do that, we have to put aside the power imbalances that may exist and may have to agree at least on certain fundamentals as to why we are there together.

Now, with that being said, the strategies include assessing the balance of power, taking a look at the goals that both parties have, and identifying the most effective power strategy. You'll see that there is a video that will amplify what I just spoke to you about in terms of the four power strategies, domination, influence, negotiation, and collaboration. These will help you in terms of understanding conflict strategies in an even more detailed way.

So I'll give you an opportunity to take a look at the video, and then we can see what kinds of applications we can make from there.